i feel this a lot
(Source: tfwnojutsu, via themagicrain)
"stammering is the native eloquence of us fog people"
-Eugene O'Neill
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the native eloquence
-Eugene O'Neill
• My Face
• other pages
• Ask me anything
the native eloquence
today i feel drained. more and more emptied out as the day goes on. i burnt my hands making a cortado today, which i had to look up how to make. the espresso splattered all over my hands and i screamed, it’s not so bad now but i’m scared they will scar. in the heat by the kitchen they stung more. the other servers seemed somewhat sympathetic, or at least tried to appear so. not my supervisor of course, who doesn’t seemed to be moved by anything, and the most you can get out of him is some semblance of annoyance. but that was fine. i dont expect nurturing at the restaurant. i know what’s coming now. i long to leave the minute i get there, but when i’m walking home i’m so tired and i walk so slowly. and it feels so sad.
our bartender told me he made a list of 10 things he wants to accomplish by the end of the month. i think i need to do something like that. i just am very lost and don’t feel like i’m fulfilled at all. i don’t feel like i’m doing anything but passing the time. this girl came into the restaurant the other week, and she turned out to be the sister of one of my college friends. she asked me if i was the one who gave the speech at graduation, and i said yes. and i almost felt so sorry for myself, and disappointed. and fragmented from myself, like i’m not that same person with the same potential and power . but i moved past it in the moment and tried to appreciate that at least i had a nice customer, who didn’t see me as a natural fuck up, like so many other people who come in. customers just so often expect you to do something wrong, and it is really hurtful. aside from burning myself, i actually didn’t fuck up once today. no billing errors, wrong orders, slow expediting. i went through service perfectly, even though i was there too long, even though i burnt my hands.
so i get home, and i’m not really feeling thrilled. i’m not angry or crying, and i’m intent on trying to be positive and complacent. it’s midnight, and my dad is still awake because he waits for me now that he hasn’t been working for a few weeks - an occurrence i’ve gotten used to in my life. this time i haven’t really thought about it too much. i found a really lovely tie with elephants at work that i decide to bring home and give to him, because i figure he would like it or at least be happy i thought of him. but he says he isn’t really a tie person (which i knew), in fact he is anti-tie, and maybe i should give it to my boyfriend. and i say okay, that’s fine. i wanted to do that originally anyways, but i felt like i haven’t done much for my dad in a while. but really i always feel that way. i always feel in debt to my parents - that i owe them emotional labor, so i try to make up for it with little gifts and have also been trying to be nicer and more importantly (for me) more honest. but still i feel it’s not enough. still i feel like a bad child. undeserving, when in fact all of my life i’ve tried to make them happy, because i do care about them, even if they think i don’t, even if they brush me off like my mind is elsewhere, like i could care less. so i forgive him for not caring so much about the tie, it was an afterthought anyways i guess. no reason to be hurt, i’ve shunned their gifts before too.
after i get out of the shower, i go to the kitchen to put some coconut oil on my burn to soothe it. as i try to do this, my dad asks me several questions about what i’m doing, and i get a little annoyed because i just want to do this without being bothered, and i’m already in pain, and i explained what i’m doing. i assumed he was just being bothersome to joke around, so i still take it lightly. but right after he says he is going to sleep because i’m acting strange, and looks hurt? and this really shifts things for me. because this entire day has lacked compassion. this entire day i worked for something i dont care about, for people i actually am disgusted by (evil gentrifying trump supporters), i made money so that i can save up to move and not be a burden and live peacefully and do things i want to do for myself, and sucked up the fact that i’m a lost person, and even though i worked hard all of my life and cared so much , life is harder for me still. so all i want at home is to heal. and still a lack of understanding. and still i have to feel guilty. and i want to laugh it off because it was so unexpected and dramatic, but i dont have it in me to laugh off someones hurt, even if irrational.
i will make my list now, and think about potential that i still have. and what a wonderful person i must be to feel this much, about maybe not much at all.
this video is a response to a lot of things, but was most directly provoked by police violence in the media, and my understanding of historic/collective suffering - and trying to reconcile that with (what i believe) is the inherent “goodness” within most people. a lot of it is inspired by the idea of “fearlessness” in the buddhist tradition, ethical concepts of moral tragedy, inter-generational trauma, and of course love. i took these videos of water over the last couple of years - not really knowing why in the moment, but like many other writers, water has continuously inspired me, because i see “forever” in it.
In 2005, a group of artists in Italy built a giant 200-foot-long plushie rabbit in the countryside, and just left it there. It’s been there ever since.
(Source)
(via atramentum)
“If nothingness it is, let it be lived with joy and, when at all possible, with love.”
— Michael Boiano (via journalofanobody)
si vuelves tu me tienes que querer me tienes que llorar me tienes que adorar
si vuelves tu la vida no ha de ser lo que contigo fue cuando estabas aqui
“Love is the whole thing.
We are only pieces.”
— Rumi (via quietlotus)
(Source: quietlotus, via journalofanobody)
“Go deeper
Past thoughts into silence.
Past silence into stillness.
Past stillness into the heart.
Let love consume all that is left of you.”
— Kabir
(via journalofanobody)
2015 was realizing i’m powerless in every different section of my life and having a panic attack at each specific realization
i dont dream about anyone anymore
Janet Emmerich (1899-1996), Forms and Spaces, 1952.
oil on canvas, 34 x 24 inches
(Source: igormag, via futurewitchdoctor)
at slightest touch
i tremble, grasping at air, like dried marigold, cracking wallpaper
peeling wistfully
we go gracefully
too embarrassed to make a scene
you can’t have it all. you can never have it all. i think life is about compromise. about doing the best with what you have and appreciating what is in your life and the beauty of your individual circumstances. a lot of the times when i ask my friends or family for advice, they make it sound like i should have everything i want, and if i dont make it happen then i dont love myself. as if to be human was to strive for some impossible perfection. i’m never going to live my ideal life. i don’t even know what that is.
when my boyfriend said we should go on a break i was heartbroken because i felt like something was being taken away from me, and i felt i did everything right so i didnt deserve this. the thing is no matter how hard you try, people are always going to see things differently, something can always go awry. but i swallowed my pride and continued talking with him and caring about him. my ideal situation was one where we were still in a “committed” relationship, because that is what i have been taught to want. and yes i do want to be with him and not really with anyone else, and i miss him. and i can still do that but not under the ideal precept.
so for now what i want and what i will try to keep up is the way things were without the label and the “commitment”, and perhaps we can have a chance at those things later. i wish it could have been different, but it’s not that way right now. and that is okay. it’s okay that i’m not getting everything i want out of this because my desires are just a tiny figment of the circumstances that brought us together and into this world. aren’t i lucky enough already? didn’t i get so much out of this already? there are different possibilities besides the one i engraved in my heart and mind. my friends and parents might see it differently - that if he doesn’t commit he doesn’t really care about me or he is just using me. that i’m wasting my time. but that’s not how i see it. that’s not how i feel about it. that’s not the way i ever saw him. if he was using me, i would’ve known it a long time ago. things can still be beautiful, even if they are not exactly the way i planned. deep down, i know what is best for me more than anyone else.